Okay well here goes my actual inner most deep thoughts and feelings on a real subject that I’ve tried hard to make sense of and to clearly understand so much so that I did a course in it and I worked with professionals and tried to help people suffering from it, that scary word that has taken over so many lives, depression.
Depression isn’t just some mental illness that people need to be pulled out of,NOT AT ALL!!! I unfortunately learned that the hard way. A long time ago when I was just a teenager I watched my mum struggle so much with this very illness and yes agree or disagree but I believe that it is an illness. I’m not saying that it is something you can never overcome but it is something that people need to work on and it will always remain a part of you, there are some days that you won’t feel 100% but with the support of people around you you can get back to yourself again. There is no quick or easy way of achieving this, it takes time, its takes hard work and it takes more than just you. There are so many support groups out there right now that people can talk to if they feel like they can’t talk to the people closest to them although I do recommend speaking to a friend or relative about any negative feelings you might be having. Even talk to a doctor or your GP and maybe bring someone along to a group to help them understand what it is that’s going on. There is bucket loads of information on this site AWARE. Aware is so close to my heart, I’ve worked with them in the past and they have helped me find my way through some dark times too, even just familiarise yourself with signs and symptoms of someone experiencing depression and a couple of ways you can reach out to them.
Anyway I started this to talk about my particular situation and I feel I’m already stalling. So my mother the most amazing gorgeous unique kind, there’s a list, it’s a long very long list of every beautiful thing that she was. And there it is, she was, as in no more… She now lives in my heart and my dreams, in my soul and in the air that I breathe. She was my hero and now she’s even more than that, she’s my angel. My mum suffered with depression from an early age in life, she battled it many times and overcame it to live a happy joyful life. Until she didn’t have any more strength to keep fighting her inner demons, and me well I was too young to realise what exactly was happening. Too bothered about my adolescence to take a beat and educate myself on ways I could be of some sort of help, any sort of help. I instead tried to make her get up out of bed or I would just lay there with her feeding into her sadness but never being proactive about it. Lessons I learned in the coming years, years after she took her own life.
Being educated and being Aware is being helpful. Eventually in my situation I experienced anger towards my mam, I didn’t know why she was basically not taking to me and I somehow convinced myself that I was the victim ha. Funny to me now when I can talk about these things and I have seeked the help that I needed to come to terms with everything. When she was in hospital throughout the many years she battled I would sit outside in the car waiting for my dad to finish visiting her because I couldn’t bring myself to go in, selfish yes, stupid 100%. What I wouldn’t give to be that kid in that car right now with the knowledge I now have. But life doesn’t work that way, life can be cruel and unfair at times. In the end I lost my everything. Grief can hit people in a lot of different ways, for me I first felt anger towards my mum then my own guilt and a spiral into alcohol binges which were all so less than helpful.
One day my sister told me she saw a counsellor and gave me the name, I called and made an appointment, of course didn’t go to it. Then a year or so later I was ready to talk I wanted to talk and needed to, I booked another appointment with the counsellor and actually went to this one. I got in to the room and said well nothing, I froze, I’m not sure what she was saying I think she wanted me to talk about my mam but when I even thought about her I just cried unprompted tears rapidly streamed down my face and I couldn’t stop them. Our session was up but she wanted me to come back again the next week, I promised I would and I did but within the next few session I talked, I shared memories, I laughed, I cried, I could feel myself again the numbness was slowly going away. It was the best thing I have ever done for myself and I wish I had gone to that very first appointment. I would urge anyone that needs to talk about anything to clear their head to make an appointment, honestly its harmless! What’s the worst that could happen, you feel no difference or it actually helps. It helped me get my life back on track, I found my feet again, a few years later I began to work with Aware and began to understand what happened when I was younger, I no longer feel anger or guilt. I feel pride and I feel happy! Give yourself the power to help yourself and to help others, don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings. We all have them maybe the person right beside you right now feels just the way you do, maybe they feel worse, maybe you can make a difference!